Why
by yukiislikesnow
Summary: Why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like I'm drowning? Why, why, why...


"Why"

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto…that sucks….

A/N: Okay so I wrote this fic because I just wrote rather comedic one and I felt like evening it out. I must say I'm ashamed to admit it but I almost cried writing this but I'm weird so w/e.

Also, flames will be laughed at then used to roast marshmallows.

.o0()0o.

Maybe I should've tried harder…or maybe I shouldn't have tried at all. I just don't know anymore. I'm not so sure I ever did. Loss isn't something foreign to me, so why does it hurt so much? Why is it that he's the one lying there and not me?

Why did come on this mission?

Why did he try to protect me?

Why did he smile while he was dying?

Why do I love him so much? Why, why, why, that word hurts so much. It hurts almost as much as my heart when I wake up and don't see him. Its like with every question I'm adding a new wound, but its not like before. Before Iruka would be there, with kind words, a warm embrace, and bandage, a blush, he always had what I needed. He was what I needed. So why did he have to leave?

Why do I cry myself to sleep every night? I'm Kakashi Hakatake, the great Copy-Nin Kakashi, I'm not suppose to cry…but I do. I don't even aknoledge my team anymore. When I see them, especially Naruto, I see Iruka's smiling face. I'm not sure if that's a good thing either. I want my Dolphin back so much but when I'm reminded of him, of his-no our happiness, my heart feels like its being torn to shreds.

Tsunade asks me why I want so many S-class missions. Why? Why, she asks, isn't it obvious? I just need to be away, away from my now empty home, away from crying academy children, away from an equally depressed Naruto. Oh Kami, why does it hurt so much?

I can still see it. He flung himself forward and took the kunai. He held me like I was one of his students, or like a mother cradling her baby. My face was buried in his neck but I knew the kunai hit, I just knew. And when I looked up he was smiling. With his last few seconds he smiled to me and I had hope. I had hope that everything would be okay…but it wasn't. He's gone and now nothing will be okay for me, not until I die too.

I'd like to think I'm strong enough, or is it enough of a coward, to take my life. But I just can't, I want to, just to end the pain, but then I see his smiling face and I just can't. So instead I ask why and then drown in my answers…or lack of. And right now I'm drowning. Before I'd avoid questions with those Icha Icha novels but now those don't work. Now that I've had Iruka nothing is the same, and nothing ever will be. He was too amazing, too wonderful, too…good for me.

Its been months since his death and I still haven't begun to move on. Everything of his, right down to the lesson plans he had set out, are still there. I just can't bring myself to move anything. He was holding down to this world, a world I was so lost in before. After being with him I see why so many people in this village would go out of their way just to say hello to him. Why did he have to be so wonderful?

I wasn't even officially at his funeral. I couldn't stand to be around all those people, to cry in front of all those people, to be human in front of all those people. So instead I listened and watched from a distance and waited for everyone to leave, Naruto of course being last. When I approached his grave marker I pulled down my mask and cried, and the sky cried with me. It was pouring and I was soaked through in minutes but I didn't care. I just kept crying and eventually I passed out. When I woke up I was at home, in my bed, in Iruka's spot. I'm not sure who found me and I'm not sure I care. If I did know I would just ask why again.

'Breathe in and out each day for the memory of that person and one day you won't have to remind yourself too anymore.' Rin said that once. Or something like it and I'm trying to listen but it just hurts so much. Why does it have to hurt so much? Haven't I lost enough?

There are millions of questions that start with 'why' and not nearly enough answers.

Why?

.o0()0o.

So is the fic any good? And for those wondering where the kunai hit lets just say it was in the back of the head or the base of the neck. I'm usually not one to write character death, torture sure, but death is uncommon. I just get sad when I realize I can't write them anymore unless it's a flashback but this is a one-shot so it doesn't really matter.

Poor lil' 'Ruka! And Poor lil' 'Kashi! TT.TT


End file.
